literature

Cigarettes And Soap

Deviation Actions

Church38's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

Cigarettes and Soap in the air that clouds the daily vision
Tells a story about a girl thats trapped in the world she lives in
Say it again the lungs I'm in, It's just a Tuesday morning

Failing out and falling in to dark familiar vices
Light another dream they're drifting ever so enticing
What would you do if you fell into and there's no one there to help you

Listen to the birds outside they sing of expectations
A prisoner of this life defying spinning earth's rotation

Passing shadows reach out to her and whisper retaliation
Against a sea of self regret and weakening imagination
Look to the one who gave you none just don't look in the mirrror

Empty the bottle and drain the hope that kept you so long floating
Black out the sun and pull down the clouds that seem forboding
If I'm the poison I'll use my voice and warn yourself of me

Listen to the birds outside they sing of new beginnings
A prisoner of the life inspiring spinning earth's rotation

Dream a dream you'll finally wake up
Mend a heart you'll finally take up
Feel a little feel and maybe you'll stay up

The rising tide crashes all the boats without a second look
You think you're hidden but in the light rests your open book
Read a line through a dollar is fine, so long as you close your eyes

Listen to the birds outside they sing of beautiful signs
A prisoner of the this life defying slipping into time

Dream a dream you'll finally wake up
Mend a heart you'll finally take up
Feel a little feel and maye you'll stay up
© 2015 - 2024 Church38
Comments3
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LadyBethsheba's avatar

Hello- this is a critique for :iconwriters--club:

The best part of this piece is its use of metaphors. You pile on a very large number of metaphors without sticking with any one for too long. The whole song doesn't rest on one idea- instead, you use whatever imagery is the most useful. In addition, the metaphors you use show that thought was put into each one, both in content and in placement. None of them spill out over the structure of the lyrics, and some of them are very effective. I particularly like the “rising tide” metaphor in the third-last stanza, because it gives a sense of both inevitable and sudden change all at once.


If I had to choose one thing that I would change about this piece, it would be the title. It's a pretty good title, but it doesn't quite match the rest of the poem. I would say that it belongs to a more stream-of-consciousness type of piece. I think a better title would be one that better reflects the more metaphorical story that's being told here.


All told, this is a very good piece. Great job!